my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
