I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish you could order shots online.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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