There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
