my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
