it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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