Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
