You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
