Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
