just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Life is so much better after having sex.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
