I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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