I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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