She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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