You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
