i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
