Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
