I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Who died my cat blue again?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
