Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
