did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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