I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
