apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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