So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
