Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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