Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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