hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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