fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
