i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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