Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
