Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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