Betty ford says i'm here all night
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
