Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Someone shit on the floor
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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