He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
