I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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