All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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