I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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