I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
