This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
