If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
