You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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