Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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