you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
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