Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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