I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
