My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
