I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Someone shattered a urinal.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
