Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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