I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I could fuck to npr.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
