why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
