i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
