I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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