This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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