I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
