I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
