I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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